My Journey Through Depression

Hi, 

Today's post is really just an informative one and a thanks to several people.

I suffer from depression and have done for over a year now. Depression is a somewhat lonely road from the point of view that only you really knows what you're going through and you often feel like nobody can help you. Sometimes, you push your friends away to protect them from what you're going through...it's better than falling out with them, but sometimes you're pushing them away because you think that they don't care. It isn't the case. 

Something that I've realised, is that humans have an overwhelming capacity to love and care, often when there is no reciprocation. Over the past year, I have wanted to let my friends have their distance from me so that I didn't hurt them with what I might have said or done. I didn't really give them or their capacity to love a lot of credit. I'm sorry for that but I stand by the fact that I wanted to protect them from me. I know what I'm like. In the deepest and darkest hours when there is only you, alone with your brain, there's no saying what you could do and to put a friend in that position just really scared me.

My friends have been amazing in doing their best to support me and I realise, now that I'm turning a corner, that it really wasn't an easy task at all. I could never express just how completely I am in gratitude of the things you have done, however small or big, to help me over the course of this past year.

For a long time, I have been stuck in a sort of fog. I could see clearly where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing but there was just no way for me to be able to do it.

I took a drastic step on the 15th March. I stopped taking the medication that the doctors had prescribed to me. I began taking them last June when I returned from my Year Abroad and for the most part was taking 20mg doses but they were gradually upped to 30mg after it became clear that I was struggling to cope with university. After a few months, they upped it again to 40mg, which is a fairly substantial amount for somebody of my age, 23. 

The thinking from the doctor, was that the extra dosage would help me to get through my final semester of university. No mention on getting through all of the work that I'd already missed. 

After a week of taking the extra dosage, I felt worse than I had before. My mind was quite muddled and I found myself to be so much angrier than at any point in the previous year. I felt like everybody was against me; friends, family, housemates. Me. Little comments that wouldn't have bothered me before because I was so numb that I felt nothing were now making me either very angry or very upset. After a certain comment, I took my rounders bat and did something that I had been threatening to do for months but never fully believed that I would. 

I hit my wrist 4 times. Hard. With my rounders bat.

After a year of saying that I would do it, I actively engaged in trying to break my own wrist. 

It hurt but most of all it really scared me. I knew what I was doing but I couldn't stop it and it was almost like I was having an out of body experience. By this point though, I had pushed my friends so far and so much that there was nobody to turn to. I went to the hospital and found that it wasn't broken. 

When the nurse asked me what happened, I should have felt some kind of relief that it hadn't broken or shame at myself for trying instead of reaching out to someone for help. I didn't feel relief or shame. I felt angry. More anger. So angry that I hadn't even been able to break my wrist, something children do frequently and with ease. 

After this, I didn't try again but I spent the following few weeks doing nothing. I didn't try to persuade myself to try and do my degree, to try and get the most out of my life. I just sat in a fog for 3 weeks. 

On the 15th March, something changed. I was running out of tablets and my choices as far as I could see were to either go the weekend without them or to just stop them altogether. I chose the latter.

To go from 40mg of anti-depressants to nothing in one move isn't a good idea and it is definitely not medically advised. If you're a person thinking of doing that, please don't. Do go and see a doctor. 

I made this decision because I felt like it was the only way out for me. To stay on the tablets, for me, would have meant doing no work and not graduating with my class. Not passing isn't an option for me. Since making the decision, I took a leap and went into uni and got the help that I needed; help that I'd often tried before but just couldn't follow through on. My lecturers have been amazing and so helpful and I am genuinely so very grateful for all of their help, especially those who don't even teach me but are trying to keep me afloat on this journey. 

I have since done 4 exams with more to come and essays to catch up but I'm finally on the right path for me; the path that leads to me graduating with a smile on my face. Something I can be proud of because I know the journey hasn't been easy. 

The stopping of medication does come with withdrawal symptoms. The intense headaches, insomnia and nausea are not an ideal part of this journey but I try to remain positive because it's already better than before.

If you've made it this far into the story, then thank you for reading and sticking with this. I just have one final thing to say. 

I know that the rest of the journey will not be easy and I know that I'm likely to have mood swings. I hope you don't get caught up in them and that I don't inadvertently hurt you in my healing process. It would not be my intention to hurt anybody. I'm ready to make this next step and I'm ready to take it with old friends, new friends, teachers and family. 

To all of you who have been a part of this journey; thank you. It's sounds cliché, but from the very bottom of the my heart I want to thank you for the part you have played in keeping me afloat. Without your support, this would be much harder. 

If you're suffering from depression, ask for help, please. It isn't weak to ask for help. You're strong to make that choice because it's difficult to accept that you can't always do it alone. 

Thank you all
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